I am married but visit sex workers!

Question: I am married with a 6-year-old-child and expecting another one this year. Of late, I have lost interest in my wife and have started visiting sex workers quite often now. I want to control this habit since I really want to stop cheating on my wife and I am also spending a lot of money on the same.

I have tried hard to control this urge of visiting these women, but somehow I am not able to get out of this mess.

I am really scared of losing my wife and kid to this habit and your timely suggestion will be highly appreciated. - By Anonymous

Answer by Zankhana Joshi: It must be difficult finding yourself unable to control a certain urge - which can potentially destroy your relationship with your wife and child, especially with another baby on its way. Acknowledging the problem is the first big step to resolving it, and you are taking that step ahead.

Before we go on to figure out how to deal with it, it is important to identify what is the reason behind your urge to visit sex workers. Men have different motives for paying for sex.

Some do it out of boredom, many crave variety and use sex workers to supplement their sex lives, or to act out fantasies they couldn't with their spouses. Some have difficulty engaging in a real relationship, thus use this avenue as an outlet for sexual release.

The reason most often ignored is that there is usually some void experienced in the current relationship with their spouses. Thus take time to identify what is your reason.

I hear that you want to stop cheating on your wife. While this is infidelity, there is a psychological difference between paid sex and other types of infidelity. Visiting a sex worker is usually only about the sex.

It isn't about any other emotional involvements, nor about friendship, admiration or attraction to the personality. It is a cold and emotionless business transaction.

Addressing your concern of spending a lot of money, especially when you could engage in sex in your intimate relationship with your wife, is certainly a red flag.

Question to ask yourself is, why spend good money for it, given that another child is on the way, the money could be useful in supporting your family of four.

Prostitution harms not only the women who offer the services, but also the men. Of course, there is an immediate social and health risks of having sex with a sex worker.

But in the long run, men visiting sex workers come to view women as objects, and eventually they may have difficulty sustaining interest in normal relationships too, which can be very damaging for them.

In my practice, most couples share that their sex life plummets after the birth of the new baby. The women experience physical changes in their bodies, emotional changes due to hormones and are also adapting to care giving.

This makes them feel less attractive to their husbands. Whereas men experience a drop in their drive as they sensitize themselves to childcare, feel anxious about the responsibilities, fatigue and stress of the process and limitation that comes onto the intimacy with the baby's presence.

I often tell couples to not feel anxious if they do not want to have sex, as they are biologically programmed to concentrate on looking after their children at the expense of their sex drive.

You and your wife probably experienced this decline in libido. When men lose interest in sex it scares them more than women - their masculinity is so linked to their sexuality that it is very threatening.

This sometimes drives them to explore their sexuality outside, which may have been the starting point of going to sex worker for you.

Having a baby is a major life transition which affects all couples. What would help is to work on your relationship with your wife.

Re-connect with your wife emotionally, channelize your sexual energy towards her. Even if intercourse takes time, start with other forms of sex or sexuality - starting with touches, hugs, cuddles and slowly moving further intimately.

Spend some time with yourself to understand your own actions, behaviour and feelings. Focusing energy here will take away the need to escape to a sex worker. If it still persists I would strongly advice seeking professional help.

- Ms Zankhana Joshi is a practicing counselling psychologist in Mumbai.

Source: timesofindia